MY JOURNEY TO MENTORSHIP
The lessons I teach are the ones I wish I’d received while I was growing up.
ConfiDance by Jalisa, is my nonprofit that teaches girls and women to become confident and secure in who they are, through the art of dance. The classes allow students to understand their emotions; how to label them, as well as how to communicate them to others and to themselves. The lessons I teach are the ones I wish I’d received while I was growing up.
I discovered dance when I was eight years old. My mom had already paid for cheerleading classes and I couldn’t do both, so I taught myself. I obsessed over music videos on VH1 and MTV, and episodes of Hip Hop Harry. Watching them over and over again, examining how the people on screen moved their bodies, and practicing along with them until I was just as good.
During this time, I was also being bullied at school. At school events, I would dance and transform in front of my bully’s eyes – from the girl they taunted, to a girl who could dance. For the duration of the school parties, I was a girl they admired. They’d call my name, ‘Hey Jalisa! Do this dance move’, ‘Hey Jalisa! Can you show me how to do that?’ My talent for dancing forced them to see me from a different perspective. One where I was strong, bold, and in control. In high school I joined the dance team and was suddenly perceived as ‘popular’. This helped minimize the bullying but didn’t stop it completely.
The bullying wore down my self-esteem, making me insecure and angry. If a friend or peer was doing well at school, I’d be furious. Here they were making success look easy, and I didn’t even know if I was going to graduate. A friend could tell me they’d done well in an exam and I wouldn’t be happy for them, instead I’d yell, “Oh you passed a test, wow.” At that moment, I didn’t realize this was how I was acting. It was only once I was home, reflecting on my day, that I understood what had happened. ‘Oh boy Jalisa’ I’d think, “What’s wrong with you?”
I tried to speak to my mom and brothers about my emotions around getting picked on and being insecure. Mom would push my feelings to the side, telling me I shouldn’t think that way about myself because I was beautiful. That would be the end of her advice. I was left thinking ‘You’re my mom. You’re supposed to say that’. My teachers never helped either. I felt totally alone.
I recognized if no-one else was going to help fix me – just like dancing – I would have to teach myself. After classes, I would sit and journal my thoughts and problems of the day. I’d look down at what I’d written and wonder how I could fix my problems or improve my ways of thinking. Doing this, I came to the realization that holding information from those who hurt me was allowing me to hurt myself even more. I forced myself to have tough conversations with friends and family to resolve any issues we had. While studying at college, I read lots of psychology books, and learnt how to go deeper within myself, to ensure I could always formulate solutions to whatever life throws at me.
I wish someone had taught me how to vocalize my feelings sooner. When kids called me names, I would take it until I ran to the bathroom to cry. If I’d known how to vocalize my emotions, to say to the bully ‘Hey, leave me alone!’ or had help devising a tactic to get them to go away, things would’ve been a lot better for me. I believe I was silenced because I was a girl. As a child I watched as my brothers were allowed to express their emotions – positive or negative. If I expressed my feelings, got angry or cried, it was dismissed as ‘girls cry all the time’ or I was ‘being dramatic’. The woman I’ve become is not quiet about her feelings. I am verbal about my emotions, I label them properly, write them down and have deep talks with whomever needs to know about them.
I want to use the knowledge I’ve accumulated to help other girls and women become confident and free themselves of the bondages of self-hate. I can teach them that they have the power to communicate with others, that their emotions are important, and they don’t have to learn it alone.